Growing in the Dark 2

Comedian Susan Isaacs tells of a similar experience: "All my life I had felt God's presence … even when I pushed him away he remained the still, small squatter I could not evict. Now I could hear nothing, feel nothing, know nothing. The squatter had vacated."

Mother Teresa describes the pain: "I am told God loves me—and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul …. What tortures of loneliness. I wonder how long will my heart suffer like this?"

The problem was amplified by the fact that I had to continue to lead ministries. I have leadership roles in our church and community. I'm a pastor's wife. In the midst of my "not hearing from God" time, it was difficult to know how to minister, or even if I should.

I cut back on some of my ministry responsibilities. For years my husband and I co-led a small group Bible study. As the dark night continued, I didn't have much to offer. I realized that while I could handle the administrative duties associated with the study, I needed Mark to shoulder the spiritual leading.

Other times, however, when I could accept a leading ministry role, my dry spiritual state occasionally seemed to help me. One summer I facilitated a study of Philippians for a group of 20-something women. Their un-churchy vulnerability was refreshing and meant I didn't have to be "on" all the time.

I also agreed to speak at a neighboring church's women's retreat. The church was struggling with unity. Rumors of a split were floating around. In that environment it seemed trite to talk about mentoring, which was my assigned topic.

By the second talk of the morning as I looked out at the women's faces, their pain was obvious. I knew I had to at least try to minister to them. I scrapped my notes and launched into a story about an older woman who mentored me when our church went through a terrible split. It was like watching Sleeping Beauty awaken. Heads lifted and began to nod. Women made eye contact with me for the first time. And the lunch discussion differed completely from the one we'd had at breakfast.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2011/fall/growingdark.html

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